Everything Ophelia

Excellent Resource: PBS Parents Guide to Raising Girls

2009-08-22T15:36:00.000-07:00

The PBS Parents Guide to Raising Girls will help you understand your daughter's inner and outer worlds. You'll find out how to help her grow up powerful, self-confident, and self-aware — with a critical eye towards the messages the media is marketing to her.

Encourage Girls to Express Their Feelings

"Young girls receive little social permission to express their negative feelings directly to peers. When they are told to be nice and avoid conflict, many do not develop the skills to express themselves. Parents can help their daughters do this by allowing them to express their anger at home, and encourage them to talk honestly with friends. This will let girls know it's constructive to communicate anger directly rather than to try to cover it up to seem 'nice.'"

Rachel Simmons
Author, Odd Girl Out

Girls' Brains
Are the brains of girls and boys wired differently or does society promote behavioral differences and gender stereotypes?

Girl Friends
Discover the secrets to your daughter's social life and how you can support her through the ups and downs of friendships.

Girls' Bodies
Learn how you can help your daughter develop a positive body image and avoid the eating disorder trap.

Raising a Powerful Girl
Powerful girls grow up feeling secure in who they are. Find out what you can do to help!

The Girl Net
The influences of media, technology and marketing surround girls like a net. Get strategies for helping girls develop a critical eye and avoid the trap.

Resources
Find Web sites, books and other resources for raising a strong and confident girl.

*This information is from the PBS website: www.pbs.org/parents/

Role Models: Three Sisters use their Music to Promote what we CAN do to Make the World a Better Place

2009-06-14T18:57:00.000-07:00

When visiting other bloggers on Blogger.com, who have similar interests, in this case: cyber-bullying, I came across these three, FABULOUS young women: Serena, Kiley and Tess.
They use their musical talents to promote local and global, social awareness and actionism.
Here is their Bio taken from their website: www.truthonearthband.com

Truth On Earth is a Band featuring three sisters that sound like a rainbow of old and new, heavily influenced by ‘60’s & ‘70’s rock.

The band name, lyrical messages and powerful world-changing mission are based upon the work of Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi, one of the greatest spiritual leaders of all time and the basis of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s Civil Rights movement. Gandhi said that Peace could best be achieved through truth and non-violent protest and he proved it for a time by causing the end of a century of British rule over India. One small man had a giant influence. So the band is named in Gandhi’s honor to carry on his work and ideals through the powerful universal language of music to a planet that is struggling greatly just as it always has to understand and apply this very simple and highly effective principle.

The band's main goal is to raise consciousness to a level where, over time, everyone can become part of the solutions instead of just living the experience of the problems. This way the problems can be fixed and the planet can be left in a condition that saves it from destruction and makes it worth inheriting to future generations.

The idea of a band with three sisters started when we were little kids. Our parents would play songs, sing along and clown around with us nearly every day of our childhood. There were always musical instruments being played. Entertainment and the creative process were always a big part of our lives. There was plenty of singing, dancing, putting on plays and coming up with goofy comedy acts.

From the time Tess was 3, Kiley was 5 and Serena was 6, we would put on shows at nursing homes, parties, park districts and any gathering where we could collect some people long enough to do our thing. We loved performing because it was fun, and seeing people touched by our antics was a double bonus. Every opportunity we could drum up, gave us another chance to test out new material, improve our entertainment abilities, and develop better connections with our audiences.

Another really cool thing our Mom and Dad did was to encourage us into every situation that created meaningful opportunities to help injured animals or people in need. Fundraisers and charity were about as common to our formative and teen experience as performing. We came to believe it was God's way of obligating us to provide good service to life on the planet in exchange for the many blessings we had received in the form of good health, happiness and prosperity. We didn't realize as we were growing up just how important that background would be in our spiritual development and the work we are now doing with this band.

Now that we are older, we still love to perform and touch people's hearts and spirits, but we've added a new twist. By combining our joy of entertaining with our desire to give back, and using whatever talent we may have to create more awareness about the problems on Earth, we can get more accomplished implementing solutions. Music has the power to reach and connect people around the world.

We give 70% of our profits to organizations supporting the causes we sing about.

For links to hear their songs and read their lyrics, please visit: www.truthonearthband.blogspot.com/

Organizations that TOE support:

Originally posted by Erica at Health on MSN, 5/26/09

2009-05-27T20:19:00.000-07:00

The Jiggle Felt 'Round the World

If you think Miley Cyrus has body issues, try talking to a third grader.

Miley Cyrus recently rocked the Twittersphere, but not with anything musical. She posted a lament about her "jiggly" thighs.

Faster than you can type, "OMG," the world reacted with a vengeance. The upshot of many critiques? She's a role model—a height/weight proportional one at that—and should be more careful about what she says to her impressionable tween-age fans.

While Miley could have kept her body-image woes to herself, the fact is her fans are already battling huge self-esteem problems of their own. Get this: According to the National Eating Disorders Association, four out of 10 girls in grades 1 through 3 want to be thinner. And more than two out of three girls would rather be perceived as "mean" or "stupid" than overweight.

This unhealthy mindset is manifesting itself in a rise in disordered eating in elementary school-age kids. Cheryl Dellasega, Ph.D., a professor in the College of Medicine at Pennsylvania State University, says, "our Eating Disorder Unit is treating very young kids—9 years and perhaps even younger."

As the parent of an 8-year-old girl, that's jaw-dropping and eye-opening. To keep tabs on your child’s body image, Dellasega recommends dropping everything that you're doing if your kid mentions any insecurity to you. Listen, actively. "Then, look for some ways to build their confidence in the days to come—and keep up the campaign with positive but truthful comments until you sense he or she is feeling better."

Define “healthy” as being having strong bones and muscles, not being thin. And if you are trying to drop a few pounds, she recommends, "Don't define it as a diet to lose weight, but rather [one for] better nutrition. Role-model contentment with your body yourself."

If that's a tall order, read the new book, You'd Be So Pretty If …Teaching Our Daughters to Love Their Bodies—Even When We Don't Love Our Own, by Dara Chadwick (Da Capo Press, 2009). Its practical advice helps cut through our "culture of criticism"—whether it's of your own thighs, or those of a famous young singer.

Penn State Conference: Girls Bullying Girls: What We Know and What We Can Do

2009-05-20T19:22:00.000-07:00

Watch this Video news release discussing the growing issue of girl on girl bullying and what parents and schools can do about it.

"Sexting"

2009-02-11T17:30:00.000-08:00

If you caught this MSNBC feature, you know they're calling what kids do nowadays sexting; i.e. sending nude or suggestive pics of each other on their cellphones via text message. I call it pornography, as did the police in a New Jersey town who arrested not just the sixth grade girls who texted pictures of their "attributes" but the ninth grade male recipients who got them and used them as trading cards. If these students were a decade older, they would be looking at serious legal charges that might not go away.

Young people live in an era of redefinition. Sexual harassment in schools (snapping a girl's bra, commenting on her figure, homophobia, teasing and taunting boys as "gay" if they look or act slightly effiminate) falls under the rubric of bullying and warrants a reprimand or perhaps suspension. Try the same thing twenty years later in the workplace and it's called "fired." No wonder kids are confused about what's acceptable and what's not.

Adolescents by nature do not think in terms of consequences. If it seems sexy to send a picture of your newly blossomed breasts to an older boy, a click of the "Send" button makes it happen. So what if that boy shares it with his soccer team who share it with their best buddies and so on?

Sure, I know having a cellphone gives parents the sense their kids are safe, but somehow generations of children have managed to survive without them. (Learning the basic rules for safety will stand you in better stead throughout a lifetime than a cellphone that can be dropped, lost, out of juice, or in an area of poor reception, anyway.) Before you hand over that little gadget and turn your child loose with it, look for signs of responsibility and maturity. Set up rules and stick to them, even if it inconveniences you.

After all, who knows what an adolescent is setting him or herself up for when those nude pictures or provocative messages go circulating out into the wide world?

A Dad's Advice to His Daughter

2009-02-06T16:23:00.000-08:00

Forget "Popular"

Michael Laser

We’re in the car, my daughter in the back, me driving. Today was her first day of high school, and she tells me how Girl X, whom she’s known since kindergarten, walked past her in the hall and didn’t say Hi.

“Maybe she didn’t see you.”

“Uh-uh. She saw me.”

“Well, why wouldn’t she say hello?”

Ask a stupid question…

“Because she’s popular.”

This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this sort of story from her, but it catches me off guard. There are 500 people in her freshman class, plus an amazing variety of after-school activities that she can’t wait to get involved in. I assumed she’d left the popularity issue behind her in middle school.

Since she seems upset about the snub, I remind her that she has plenty of friends, and her friends happen to be an extremely cool and funny bunch. Who cares if someone she used to have playdates with pretends she doesn’t exist? She agrees, but I can tell the incident will keep bothering her like a chipped tooth. Therefore, instead of letting it be, I’m going to try to solve this problem, once and for all.

What does the word popular mean, anyway? Let’s get clear on this. There’s the dictionary definition (“liked or appreciated by many people”), and then there’s the other meaning, the twisted one I’ve heard my daughter and her friends use, which says that, in order to be popular, you need at least four of the following: good looks, perfect hair, developed breasts, clothes and accessories that are considered cool this month, and a way of making people who aren’t your friends feel they aren’t good enough to be your friends. In other words, there’s often a lack of kindness involved, to put it mildly. I’m pretty sure that if it were in my daughter’s power to become just like Girl X, she would say, No thanks. Think about it: you wouldn’t really want her as a friend. So why worry about it if she snickers to her girlfriend instead of saying Hi to you?
That’s a sensible argument, but I know it won’t solve the problem. People have a deep need to be accepted; the best logic in the world won’t take away the sting of rejection. But here’s something that might. Remember the dictionary definition of popular? Guess what, daughter? You already are! Not only are you liked or appreciated by many, your friends are smart, creative, funny oddballs—the best kind.

There’s more. Consider this from the boys’ point of view. The guys in your circle of friends are multi-talented and messy, and they say things that crack me up when you repeat them. Do you really think any of them are secretly obsessing about the Cruel Excluders? If your guy friends think about Girl X at all, they’re most likely thinking, Keep her away from me.

As a matter of fact, I’ll go out on a limb here and say there’s a better chance one of them is thinking about you. I speak from experience. The girls I had crushes on weren’t the perfect beauties. They were the appealing ones, who laughed often and radiated sweetness. I’m pretty sure that the guys you like would rather go out with someone they can have fun with and feel close to than a girl who’s busy dominating the earth.

Daughter, I know that one essay won’t cure the hurt. But even if I can’t make the problem go away, I can promise that you’ll get past it.

Sure, you’re thinking. The oldest cliché in the world, Time heals all wounds. That’s what the mother dinosaur said to her baby when he banged his bony plate.

To which I say, No, really. The way it works is, you find things you love to do, and then you get so deeply involved in your passion that you forget all about the people who once made you feel hopelessly unwanted.

The best part is, it’s happening already. Last night, a week after our conversation in the car, the lead actress collapsed with a fever in the middle of “The Secret Garden,” and you, her understudy, had to rush onstage and take her place. Lucky for me, I happened to be in the audience, and got to watch you sing and act and earn a huge ovation. Remember what you told me on the way home? You said it was the happiest moment of your life (in the dressing room, when the rest of the cast cheered and hugged you), and also the scariest, and the grossest (because you had to put on the star’s sweat-soaked costume).

Now put yourself back on that stage and tell me: could anything in the world be less important than what the popular girls think of you?

http://www.michaellaser.com/

Cyber Stories

2008-10-05T18:26:00.000-07:00

A recent report in The Journal of School Health offered some new insights about online relational aggression. Teens say they often know who's tormenting them but don't report it or use filters or blocks to screen it out.

In a separate article from The New York Times on Friday, the suicide of a 39 year old Korean actress was linked to web rumors about her behavior. Apparently, South Korea has one of the world's most active online communities as well as one of the highest rates of suicide.

A third article on "baby blogs" described sites such as Totspot (a private page for your child) or Kidmondo (a personalized and secure online baby journal), touted as even more junior versions of Facebook than Club Penguin or Webkinz.

Look for problems to increase as we rely on computers and cellphones to communicate--especially among women, who tend to rely on body language (eye contact, tone of voice, posture, etc.) to decipher what's really being said. Even the nurses and residents at the medical center where I work tell me texting about a patient's status (standard practice) can lead to miscommunications!

Look for a future post on How to Avoid Cyber Misspeaks where I'll share solutions on how to effectively get your electronic message across.

New Developments in the Nice Office

2008-09-20T12:13:00.000-07:00

I did not explain in my last post that I have an intermediary boss between me and Marmie, the big boss. I will call her Beth. Beth is also extremely nice to the point of detrimenting her herself and her family. She and Marmie are very close outside of work. Marmee went to Beth’s house at least once a week during work hours to see her and the new baby while she was out on maternity leave.

Beth quit her job last week - she chose her real family over Marmie’s work family. She said she was feeling like she wasn’t a very good employee or a very good mom. Beth has three children under the age of five, her youngest less than a year old. She was having trouble with reliable childcare, like I was over the summer. I see this as a bit of a crack in Marmee’s armor, not Beth’s.

Our jobs require being on call 24 hours, so we carry Pocket PCs. This is a device is a smart phone that can do email and take calls. I think there is a lack of boundaries on the use of the Pocket PC, which causes a lack of respect for personal boundaries. For example, if Beth couldn’t find a sitter, she worked evening hours, then emails or calls during the evening to ask questions or ask me to do something for her. I wouldn’t mind this so much if we were on the same schedule. I have had to nicely say no, or I will get back to it when I am in the office.

The purpose of carrying these devices was to be able to support our clients and employees after hours. In other words, in case of emergency. Unfortunately, I have been supporting my bosses more than anyone else. This is a real problem for me, especially since my job is only part time. When I took this job, I had plenty of naysayers who said part time management is impossible. The term part-time management is an oxymoron, they said. I worked hard to prove to them that it can be done. I am finding out that they might be right. I’m not ready to give up on it though.

Part-time management could be done better with a few more boundaries added to the job description, especially concerning the use of the Pocket PC. We need some criteria that define an emergency. I like the emergency management definition in Bismarck, SD – it would fit well where I work. After all, the reason that most people choose part time work is a boundary in itself. They can’t work more than the hours that were advertised for the position. There are lots of part-time management jobs out there, but I haven’t seen any part-time management jobs that are also on-call jobs.

Usually I have put in my hours for the day when I get these evening emails. I put out a schedule on a Monday for the week. I try not to bother anyone at home before sending an email or making a call on the Pocket PC to another manager, by looking at their schedule before making a call or asking a favor. If they are supposed to be off, I ask myself can it wait until tomorrow. Usually it can wait a while longer.

Beth is going to stick around at Marmee’s plea to do some analysis and reporting and phase herself out when she is ready. She will continue to work evenings while her husband cares for their children. Meanwhile, the person who I used to supervise is now going to be my new boss. I will call her Denise.

Denise should have had Beth’s job (and mine) a long time ago. Denise is very knowledgeable and organized. Denise does not have a college degree, but she has been doing the job for a long time and is the natural choice for a leader. She is also extremely nice and has trouble saying directly what is on her mind. She often goes to the supervisor to complain about something that could have easily been said directly to me. I think it is because she feels inferior that she doesn’t have a degree. I think I will tell her a lot how much I value her knowledge and that I am very comfortable with her being the supervisor because of her expertise.

Camp Ophelia 2008

2008-08-28T17:47:00.000-07:00

I have a summertime tradition of camping with girls--my kids can tell you about the year we traveled to Florida and lived in a dorm so they could attend a swim camp and I could work as a combination coach and nurse. This summer I really didn't think I would be doing my own camp, but when the local YWCA contacted me to help out, I couldn't say no.

Camp was in a "rustic" (i.e. no air conditioning) setting that nonetheless had a swimming pool where the girls could cool off. We had a great time together, and on the last day when we finished projects and said good-bye I realized how much I love the energy and creativity of middle school girls. The privilege of being part of their lives for even a short time makes my heat intolerance trivial.

As always, the mentors were incredible, and gave me great faith in the ability of the next generation to continue making the world a better place.

(Note the deficit in my photography skills--I still haven't figured out how to reset the date on my camera!)

My LA Moment

2008-08-21T18:33:00.000-07:00

This past Monday I was honored to be part of the YWCA's Beauty at Any Cost launch in Los Angeles, California. They've prepared a great discussion guide and suggested activities that you can access for free at the hyperlink. Did you know the YWCA is the country's oldest organization for women? Not so ironically, as soon as I flew home on the red eye Tuesday night I went to help direct the Camp Ophelia being offered by the Harrisburg YWCA, but more on that later!

At the discussion panel before a tie-in screening of the movie America the Beautiful I met the producer of this thought provoking documentary on the beauty industry. Guess what--he tells me he's turning down an offer to appear on The Tyra Banks Show because she represents everything his movie is against.

You be the judge--here's a summary of one episode: "Super-image-maker-guy (Simon Doonan) commented then on how the girls have to learn to be very critical of themselves, particularly miss super-American-girl (Catie). He saw that she had had a hard time with the critic he had done of her style, she turned red and was irate, in his opinion. Then, she started talking back to him. She said how he said that she was a "ho". He replied that this was not true. He didn't call her a "ho", he said that her style was and it's a big difference. She then complained that if it would have been just him and her talking... He interrupted asking her if she really thought that there was no work involved in becoming a model, if she thought that she would be served tea that she would sip with her pinky in the air. No. It's hard work and she better understand that if she wants to succeed. She started crying. Meanwhile, you could see that Tyra was not at all pleased with super-American-girl. Tyra had this frown on her face and she looked almost ashamed of the conduct of "one of her girls". The other girls commented on how they thought that super-American-girl (Catie) was an actress and was playing the crying card."

If nothing else, Darryl Roberts, the producer, seems like a genuinely humble and committed person, trying to do the right thing by women. I encourage you to see his movie and then watch the daytime talk shows--he'll be on many, but whether Tyra and he meet up is yet to be seen.

America makes a big splash in Beijing

2008-08-18T16:01:00.000-07:00

On 8/8/08, at 8:08pm in Beijing, China the 2008 Summer Olympics began. Even before they started there was a buzz in the United States about Michael Phelps being a powerhouse swimmer and that he may even win 8 gold medals in one Olympic games, breaking the previous world record of 7. If he could do this he would be considered the greatest olympian of all time. On Saturday, August 17 around 10:30pm Eastern Time Michael Phelps won his 8th gold medal. I believe just as much as the next person that Michael Phelps deserves all the praise that he is getting, in fact, I was sitting on the couch anxiously clapping and cheering as he approached the finish line in the Medley Relay (an event which the USA Men have never lost). I have no doubt that almost every American knows about this great accomplishment and I bet they are proud. And if you only know about this accomplishment but have seen no coverage on his wins, dont you worry because he is appearing in commercials, mini-interviews, late night interview specials, and I am sure you can even catch a show ALL ABOUT MICHAEL.

I wonder how many people know about Natalie Coughlin's achievements at this years Summer games. Natalie is a member of the 2008 USA Women's Swimming Team. She accomplished two firsts at this Olympics -- she is the first woman to ever win a 100m backstroke gold in two consecutive Olympics, but even more notably she is the first American female athlete to win six medals in one Olympics! The only time I ever heard this mentioned was as she stood with her team after a relay and it was only mentioned in passing by the interviewer. Also, Dara Torres, a 41-yr old swimmer competed in her 5th olympics making her the only swimmer to ever compete in 5 Olympics, and did I mention she was 41?

The point I am trying to bring out here is that woman continue to be underrepresented and overlooked. There has not been one special that I have seen about Natalie or Dara. Sure, the Olympic coverage will mention there accomplishments, but typically only when they are about to race. Michael Phelps plastered every station and website. I want to know more about Natalie and Dara and I want them to get credit where credit is due. Ever since Title IX was passed many people assumed that women were beginning to get the rights they deserved. This is not the case, and many women's sports still get less funding that men's sports in high schools and colleges across the nation.

So, in the next few weeks when you are having a conversation with someone about Michael Phelps just casually ask them if they have heard of Natalie Coughlin and her accomplishments. You may just be surprised how few people actually do. Until next time....

"We can do no great things. Only small things with great love." -Mother Teresa

Wonderful in Wisconsin

2008-08-12T19:43:00.001-07:00

Okay, I admit it--the first time I went to Wisconsin I had my doubts, but they only lasted until I got an airplane overview of the lakes and gorgeous landscape. Last week, I made trip number three and could seriously imagine myself living there. As you can see, the people are uber friendly, and even the air feels clean.

I was there to give a talk to health care professionals about the kind of relational aggression that occurs from nurse to nurse, doctor to nurse, and yes, even doctor to doctor. The problem is so serious one article reports that as of January 2009, the Joint Commission is going to require hospitals to have policies in place to deal with it.

Who suffers most? Of course, everyone! Just as all girls feel the fallout of an ongoing word war, doctors, nurses, and patients are impacted by nastiness in the workplace. According to another report, "A 2004 study of workplace intimidation by the Institute for Safe Medication Practices (ISMP) in Horsham, Pa., found that nearly 40 percent of clinicians have kept quiet or ignored concerns about improper medication rather than talk to an intimidating colleague."

How discouraging--and all the more reason to start lobbying for change before it's forced upon us!

Uncomfortably Nice - Marmie's Girls

2008-08-09T19:20:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a boss who seems uncomfortably nice? Does she think you need to change? Is this a situation unique to women because of their management style?
I am a new manager working for the first time in an all-female office. For years, I have worked in the technical world and have developed a certain way of behaving toward my managers. Now for the first time, I don’t know how to behave. I am constantly getting “in trouble” because of my communication style. I think my style came out of assimilating to the male technical world, and I don’t any other way. Working in a “girly office” has been difficult for me to adapt to because I feel like I am breaking all the rules of professional conduct. It is extremely uncomfortable sometimes.

Emails are returned with excessive thank yous, and you’re welcomes, and Replies To All. Men I have worked with don’t do this. I write short, to the point emails. I am careful about my tone, but don’t hesitate to be direct. In this office, long wordy emails are the norm. When someone has surgery, we make casseroles for the person who is out. In short, we show that we care, often to the detriment of ourselves and our own families. Keeping up the effort to be so extremely nice is exhausting.

Check out the Microsoft link to email etiquette rules. Rule #2 specifically says, “Keep messages brief and to the point. Just because your writing is grammatically correct does not mean that it has to be long. Nothing is more frustrating than wading through an e-mail message that is twice as long as necessary. Concentrate on one subject per message whenever possible.” Ladies, we are not being mean by being short and to the point.

If you have ever read the book Little Women by Louisa May Alcott, my boss reminds me of the mother character, Mrs. March (aka Marmie) to her daughters. Marmie lets her daughters be themselves but doesn’t hesitate to give moral advice to her girls to help them correct their moral flaws. What seems like a friendly suggestion is really a command. At my office, compliance with the boss’s polite suggestion is necessary if you want to advance in the organization. The parallel here is that the daughters must correct their flaws in order to achieve their ultimate roles in life: mothers, wives, sisters, and citizens.

We managers in the office must work out our personal flaws in order to become better managers.

A questions that my boss asked me in the initial interview was, "how do I feel about constructive criticism?" I know it’s all in an effort to guide us to being the best work family possible. What if I don’t want to be a family at work? What if I just want to do my work and go home without having to play the role of the boss’s daughter?

The boss seems like mom and we are her daughters. When we have been bad girls, we get the cold shoulder for a short while but she’s always right back with a big smile and a hearty good morning. I am sure this is because of her moral sense of this being the right thing to do. It is nice to have forgiveness, but it is tiring and uncomfortable to not have direct confrontation about what is not going right.

Marmie too was indirect. As Wikipedia describes, she “engages in charitable works and attempts to guide her girls' morals and shape their characters, usually through experiments. She confesses to Jo after her big fight with Amy that she has a temper as bad and volatile as Jo's own, but has learned to control it to avoid hurting herself and her loved ones.”

Am I playing the unfeminine Jo role here? Will I arrive at the higher level of Marmee-type consciousness in my job? What if I like myself the way I am? I would like to just be accepted with all my "flaws."

Yee-Haw

2008-08-07T12:28:00.000-07:00

If you're ever in Ft. Worth, Texas put the National Cowgirl Museum and Hall of Fame at the top of your "to-see" list. It's definitely a place to take any young woman who needs positive role models--you'll be surprised at what you find there (including adorable and functional cowgirl hats for the little ones in your life.)

Despite chronic neck problems, I took a chance and rode the bucking bronc which is also a must-do. I confess the little kids right before me had better technique, but like to think I channeled Annie Oakley in a way they couldn't!

Positive Confrontations

2008-08-02T19:43:00.000-07:00

The word "confrontation" can sound inherently negative, but I like one of the definitions offered by Dictionary.com: "a bringing together of ideas, themes, etc., for comparison." Both girls and women ask me how to approach someone they feel is being relationally aggressive toward them, and while there are no cookie cutter answers, there are a few guidelines I can offer keeping in this spirit:

1. Calm down. Trying to confront someone when emotions are running high can actually make the situation worse, rather than better. Walk away, take a few deep breaths, or wait for another day.

2. Choose a neutral location to meet. Plan to talk things out when you're not in the midst of a crisis and find a place that's private and safe.

3. Focus on the facts. Avoid accusing the other person of not liking you or teating you badly. Instead, share a list of observations that lead you to feel relational aggression is occurring, i.e. "When you invited everyone but me to be part of the planning session, it made me wonder why?" or, "In the team meeting last week, you asked me four times to write down what you said so I would 'get it right.' Have there been times when I haven't met your expectations?"

4. Meet one on one. If you're trying to talk things out with an uber aggressive person who already feels threatened by the world, taking a posse along with you is going to make her even more defensive.

5. Monitor your body language. You'd be surprised how your posture, facial expression, and tone of voice can add to or detract from the message you hope to deliver.

6. Practice. Enlist the help of a friend or your mirror, and rehearse what you plan to say.

7. Use assertive, not aggressive communication techniques. In a nutshell, you want a win-win conversation, not a lose-lose confrontation.

8. Avoid cyberconfrontations. The computer and cell phone have a long memory and a wide reach.

The goal of a positive confrontation (ideally) is to inform and be informed--it can be a powerful conflict resolution tool that will serve you well in many settings!

Do You RA?

2008-07-30T13:04:00.000-07:00

In the last two weeks I've had a number of inquiries about relational aggression "on the job." It's interesting to hear about the many situations that arise as four different generations of women interact with each other in the professional environment.

Here's a little self-survey I created a year or so ago when I started speaking to various audiences about this issue--see what your RA quotient might be by tallying those answers that apply to you.

1. I’ve changed jobs a lot because of the people I worked with.

2. Every day on my way to work, I plan what I will say and how I will act around my
coworkers, just to be sure I don’t get taken advantage of.

3. I’m always angry when I’m at work, but rarely tell anyone.

4. I’m sick of watching the other people on my unit bicker.

5. People I work with don’t like me, and I don’t care. None of them are worth hanging around with anyway.

6. I take secret joy out of seeing another coworker “get what she deserves” for poor performance.

7. Secretly, I think I am more competent than most of the people I work with. It’s a shame.

8. I work harder than everyone else on my unit.

9. No one gets the last word with me; even if I have to respond later, I’ll make sure they know I can’t be pushed around.

10.At least once a day when I’m at work, I listen to gossip, pass on gossip, start gossip, or am the subject of gossip.

11. If I’m angry, I sometimes ignore or act rude to my coworkers as a stress reliever.

12. I get excluded from joining others in breaks or meals, or I do the excluding.

13. The emotional climate at my workplace contains a lot of “drama”

14. My feelings are often hurt by women I work with.

15. I can’t say “no” to my coworkers without worrying they will be because I know they will be upset with me.

(Developed by Cheryl Dellasega, PhD, October 25, 2007)

Some of the items describe aggressors, others the target or victim, and others those who watch or facilitate from the sidelines (bystanders). A few could qualify for each category! The bottom line is, if you found yourself agreeing with many of the behaviors, your work situation may need an RA overhaul.

"The Green Eyed Monster"

2008-07-21T19:37:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting interview with a Canadian reporter today where we discussed (among other things) the uniquely female connotation of jealousy. Imagine a middle school boy coming home and telling his parents that he's being tormented at school. How often do you think his parents might respond by assuring him, "Oh, those kids are just jealous!" Yet girls tell me this is often the knee-jerk response they get from well-intentioned adults.

Cruise around a bit online and you're likely to find words like "jealousy" and "envy" associated with romantic relationships. (For an interesting evolutionary twist on the topic, check out how height and jealousy might be related.) In reality, friendships and work relationships and acquaintanceships can also be poisoned by this emotion, as Paris Hilton describes in a song
by the same name--supposedly written about her onetime VBF.

Are women more likely to allow jealousy to creep into all types of relationships? Or do we stereotype ourselves by labeling a feeling that that might be as innocent as admiration, as simple as curiosity or the equivalent of good old boy rivalry--turning it into something negative and wrong?

Bringing Out the Best in a Bully

2008-07-18T13:08:00.001-07:00

Is there a "best" to bring out in a bully? I think so! My work with girls and the many experts I'm lucky enough to work and collaborate with convince me that aggression is driven by inner fear. It might be a fear of being attacked by others as you walk to school, or fear of not "measuring up" to expected standards. It could even be fear of losing your popularity or a misguided response to the societal message that "cruel is cool." (See Megan's post for more on that.) If you think about it, most victims and bystanders are operating from a similar perspective--they're (legitimately) afraid of something.

The anti-bullying programs I'm familiar with focus on punishing the aggressor and empowering victims and bystanders. In reality, all three "players" in the dynamic of relational aggression (RA) need as much support, empathy, and encouragement as we can give them.

Victims need to resolve the hurt of past traumas and find alternative responses they can use when they are targeted. Bystanders need to recognize opportunities to change the RA dynamic and then step up to the plate and take action to end the aggression they watch or even facilitate. Aggressors need a vision of other possibilities, too.

Punishment isn't a helpful strategy. It uses fear to try and change behavior--something no girl needs or responds to well. Instead, here are a few strategies from my programs that have helped girls were self-identified bullies:

1) brainstorm ways to transform "leadership abilities" from hurtful to helpful
2) create opportunities for positive role modeling within a group of peers
3) learn more about how bullies impact on the lives of others (role plays or the story of Olivia Gardner can be very powerful)
4) expose to older girls who can give feedback on relationship skills
5) encourage expression of emotions through art or writing as well as speaking (this does not include rude blog posts!)
6) focus on and reward acts of compassion and kindness
7) videotape and watch (with permission) interactions with other girls (It's amazing how often we don't realize what our body language or tone of voice conveys!)
8) provide new opportunities outside the normal comfort zone to build confidence
9) avoid labelling! Although the word bully can be a helpful adjective, it's not productive to call a girl a bully or tag her with that description.
10) discuss the difference between assertive and aggressive communication style

When Your Daughter Is the Bully

2008-07-17T17:16:00.000-07:00

Today I got this email, which raised a question I've been asked before:

"Hi. I have found an overwhelming amount of information about the victims in a bullying situation. Being that I have the bully, I am interested in finding out more about handling her. She is a leader who could be destined to be powerful, assertive, and ambitious. I am determined to help her grow into these qualities with the most important quality surrounding them, kindness. I would love it if you could direct me toward books and information that could help us."

I have lots of thoughts on this request--but before I jump in with my suggestions, what do you think? I know some of you have dealt with the same issue in your own family or within yourself.....please share!

Queen Bees- Episode 1

2008-07-16T19:37:00.000-07:00

Hello! My name is Megan Whitehead. I am a 22 year old college graduate living in Hershey, PA. I am going back to graduate school in the Fall at Temple University in Harrisburg, PA to work towards a Master's degree in Social Work. I am love spending time with children, listening to music and learning about up and coming musicians, and going camping!

For those of you who are reading and have never heard of the show Queen Bees, it is a new reality television show on The N network. The seven "queen bees" were referred to the show by their family and close friends because they are mean and their loved ones are fed-up with their behavior. The purpose of the show is for the seven girls to change and the bee who is most successful in changing their behavior will win $25,000. If the show doesn't seem wrong to you yet--it will soon. The girls thought they were going to be on the show because they were divas, and they do not find out until the end of the first day that the true reason they are on the show is because their closest friends think they are mean.

The first thing that bothered me about this show is that the motivation to change is so completely faltered. It almost breeds the very problem that this show aims to get rid of. Some of the girls immediately discussed how easy it was going to be just to pretend to have changed. But, then I wonder what the appropriate reward would be for girls who have gone from mean to nice. It would not surprise me if the producer of the show decided to added a little zing to that $25,000 reward-- they girls may have won $25,000, but they have to donate it to their favorite charity! Another shocker like that is the last thing that these "mean girls" deserve.

I also wonder how this show will affect these girls lives after the show. If they change, but not quite enough to win will they still have the same relationships with the friends they left behind? Isn't it entirely possible that a majority of the crowd they hung out with had similar attitudes and ideals? If this is the case it may happen that the queen bee will not be accepted back into that old social circle. In this situation it is likely that many other social circles would not accept her either because of her attitude and personality prior to the television show. Where does that leave all of these girls? Will they have the resources at home to help them succeed in maintaining their new beliefs and values or will they simply go back to their old ways?

Lastly, imagining how these young women felt when they found out that their closest friends and family think they are mean is beyond comprehension. They probably each experienced at least some level of shock, betrayal, sadness, anger, and frustration. It may be difficult to manage all of these emotions at once when you are in your "normal" home environment, but to be in a foreign place surrounded by people you just met must add an additional layer of complexity to the plethora of emotions flying around. It will be interesting to see how this show plays out, but it really is such a shame to see these girls being publicly exposed on their unconventional journey to becoming better individuals.

Here are the girls...

You can also watch some clips of the Queen Bees on The N. If you are interested you can catch the next episode of Queen Bees on Friday night at 8:30PM on The N and tell us what YOU think!

Welcome to the Ophelia World

2008-07-15T01:28:00.000-07:00

Welcome to one more blog! Hopefully you'll find something here that helps you navigate the world of women at all ages and stages of life. Relationships, identity formation, body image, femininity, and any other topic that happens across my desk or the news is fair game, and from time to time I'll have blogguests who share their own spin on all this.

So who is Ophelia and why would I possibly use her name in my many projects, programs, and even one book? After all, she did...um...die. (Recently a middle schooler put it even more dramatically: "Hey, she was the one who [cutting motion across her neck with appropriate sound effects]!")

If you're familiar with Hamlet, you know that by the end of the play, this young and apparently motherless woman drowned, either by intention or accident. There's much we don't know about Ophelia, but it is clear she never really exists as a person in her own right. She lives to fulfill the wishes of others--the famous "Disease to Please" women of all ages still both suffer and benefit from.

Whoa--benefit from being a doormat? Yes, that's part of the "Disease to Please"--doing for others at the risk of your own well being. At the same time, as I watch little girls (the teeny tiny kinds under age 4 who are still relatively untainted by the pop culture, school environment, and all kinds of other negative influences out there) their sweetness and kindness impresses me. They respond first to cries of distress (if you doubt me read Susan Pinker's new book, The Sexual Paradox), and throughout life gravitate toward the "Tend and Befriend" response. (Check out Shelley Taylor's excellent book by the same name, or just go to Wikipedia to read more about that.)

I think women are inherently kind--but I've seen and heard about horrible behaviors, some of which are exploited by the media. Tomorrow, a young woman who watched the new reality show Queen Bees, will sound in on her reactions to the program. From what I know (and I've been in correspondence with the producer for months suggesting this is one of those VBIs (Very Bad Ideas), these young women are classic Ophelias--reacting to what the world suggests they should be.

But Megan will have more on that later.....

Welcome to the Everything Ophelia Blog

2008-06-27T19:56:00.000-07:00

This page is coming soon. Please check back for postings from Club and Camp Ophelia founder Cheryl Dellasega, current Ophelia mentors, and other guest bloggers!