Cyber Stories

A recent report in The Journal of School Health offered some new insights about online relational aggression. Teens say they often know who's tormenting them but don't report it or use filters or blocks to screen it out.

In a separate article from The New York Times on Friday, the suicide of a 39 year old Korean actress was linked to web rumors about her behavior. Apparently, South Korea has one of the world's most active online communities as well as one of the highest rates of suicide.

A third article on "baby blogs" described sites such as Totspot (a private page for your child) or Kidmondo (a personalized and secure online baby journal), touted as even more junior versions of Facebook than Club Penguin or Webkinz.

Look for problems to increase as we rely on computers and cellphones to communicate--especially among women, who tend to rely on body language (eye contact, tone of voice, posture, etc.) to decipher what's really being said. Even the nurses and residents at the medical center where I work tell me texting about a patient's status (standard practice) can lead to miscommunications!

Look for a future post on How to Avoid Cyber Misspeaks where I'll share solutions on how to effectively get your electronic message across.

New Developments in the Nice Office

I did not explain in my last post that I have an intermediary boss between me and Marmie, the big boss. I will call her Beth. Beth is also extremely nice to the point of detrimenting her herself and her family. She and Marmie are very close outside of work. Marmee went to Beth’s house at least once a week during work hours to see her and the new baby while she was out on maternity leave.

Beth quit her job last week - she chose her real family over Marmie’s work family. She said she was feeling like she wasn’t a very good employee or a very good mom. Beth has three children under the age of five, her youngest less than a year old. She was having trouble with reliable childcare, like I was over the summer. I see this as a bit of a crack in Marmee’s armor, not Beth’s.

Our jobs require being on call 24 hours, so we carry Pocket PCs. This is a device is a smart phone that can do email and take calls. I think there is a lack of boundaries on the use of the Pocket PC, which causes a lack of respect for personal boundaries. For example, if Beth couldn’t find a sitter, she worked evening hours, then emails or calls during the evening to ask questions or ask me to do something for her. I wouldn’t mind this so much if we were on the same schedule. I have had to nicely say no, or I will get back to it when I am in the office.

The purpose of carrying these devices was to be able to support our clients and employees after hours. In other words, in case of emergency. Unfortunately, I have been supporting my bosses more than anyone else. This is a real problem for me, especially since my job is only part time. When I took this job, I had plenty of naysayers who said part time management is impossible. The term part-time management is an oxymoron, they said. I worked hard to prove to them that it can be done. I am finding out that they might be right. I’m not ready to give up on it though.

Part-time management could be done better with a few more boundaries added to the job description, especially concerning the use of the Pocket PC. We need some criteria that define an emergency. I like the emergency management definition in Bismarck, SD – it would fit well where I work. After all, the reason that most people choose part time work is a boundary in itself. They can’t work more than the hours that were advertised for the position. There are lots of part-time management jobs out there, but I haven’t seen any part-time management jobs that are also on-call jobs.

Usually I have put in my hours for the day when I get these evening emails. I put out a schedule on a Monday for the week. I try not to bother anyone at home before sending an email or making a call on the Pocket PC to another manager, by looking at their schedule before making a call or asking a favor. If they are supposed to be off, I ask myself can it wait until tomorrow. Usually it can wait a while longer.

Beth is going to stick around at Marmee’s plea to do some analysis and reporting and phase herself out when she is ready. She will continue to work evenings while her husband cares for their children. Meanwhile, the person who I used to supervise is now going to be my new boss. I will call her Denise.

Denise should have had Beth’s job (and mine) a long time ago. Denise is very knowledgeable and organized. Denise does not have a college degree, but she has been doing the job for a long time and is the natural choice for a leader. She is also extremely nice and has trouble saying directly what is on her mind. She often goes to the supervisor to complain about something that could have easily been said directly to me. I think it is because she feels inferior that she doesn’t have a degree. I think I will tell her a lot how much I value her knowledge and that I am very comfortable with her being the supervisor because of her expertise.

Camp Ophelia 2008

I have a summertime tradition of camping with girls--my kids can tell you about the year we traveled to Florida and lived in a dorm so they could attend a swim camp and I could work as a combination coach and nurse. This summer I really didn't think I would be doing my own camp, but when the local YWCA contacted me to help out, I couldn't say no.

Camp was in a "rustic" (i.e. no air conditioning) setting that nonetheless had a swimming pool where the girls could cool off. We had a great time together, and on the last day when we finished projects and said good-bye I realized how much I love the energy and creativity of middle school girls. The privilege of being part of their lives for even a short time makes my heat intolerance trivial.

As always, the mentors were incredible, and gave me great faith in the ability of the next generation to continue making the world a better place.

(Note the deficit in my photography skills--I still haven't figured out how to reset the date on my camera!)

My LA Moment

This past Monday I was honored to be part of the YWCA's Beauty at Any Cost launch in Los Angeles, California. They've prepared a great discussion guide and suggested activities that you can access for free at the hyperlink. Did you know the YWCA is the country's oldest organization for women? Not so ironically, as soon as I flew home on the red eye Tuesday night I went to help direct the Camp Ophelia being offered by the Harrisburg YWCA, but more on that later!

At the discussion panel before a tie-in screening of the movie America the Beautiful I met the producer of this thought provoking documentary on the beauty industry. Guess what--he tells me he's turning down an offer to appear on The Tyra Banks Show because she represents everything his movie is against.

You be the judge--here's a summary of one episode: "Super-image-maker-guy (Simon Doonan) commented then on how the girls have to learn to be very critical of themselves, particularly miss super-American-girl (Catie). He saw that she had had a hard time with the critic he had done of her style, she turned red and was irate, in his opinion. Then, she started talking back to him. She said how he said that she was a "ho". He replied that this was not true. He didn't call her a "ho", he said that her style was and it's a big difference. She then complained that if it would have been just him and her talking... He interrupted asking her if she really thought that there was no work involved in becoming a model, if she thought that she would be served tea that she would sip with her pinky in the air. No. It's hard work and she better understand that if she wants to succeed. She started crying. Meanwhile, you could see that Tyra was not at all pleased with super-American-girl. Tyra had this frown on her face and she looked almost ashamed of the conduct of "one of her girls". The other girls commented on how they thought that super-American-girl (Catie) was an actress and was playing the crying card."

If nothing else, Darryl Roberts, the producer, seems like a genuinely humble and committed person, trying to do the right thing by women. I encourage you to see his movie and then watch the daytime talk shows--he'll be on many, but whether Tyra and he meet up is yet to be seen.

America makes a big splash in Beijing

On 8/8/08, at 8:08pm in Beijing, China the 2008 Summer Olympics began. Even before they started there was a buzz in the United States about Michael Phelps being a powerhouse swimmer and that he may even win 8 gold medals in one Olympic games, breaking the previous world record of 7. If he could do this he would be considered the greatest olympian of all time. On Saturday, August 17 around 10:30pm Eastern Time Michael Phelps won his 8th gold medal. I believe just as much as the next person that Michael Phelps deserves all the praise that he is getting, in fact, I was sitting on the couch anxiously clapping and cheering as he approached the finish line in the Medley Relay (an event which the USA Men have never lost). I have no doubt that almost every American knows about this great accomplishment and I bet they are proud. And if you only know about this accomplishment but have seen no coverage on his wins, dont you worry because he is appearing in commercials, mini-interviews, late night interview specials, and I am sure you can even catch a show ALL ABOUT MICHAEL.

I wonder how many people know about Natalie Coughlin's achievements at this years Summer games. Natalie is a member of the 2008 USA Women's Swimming Team. She accomplished two firsts at this Olympics -- she is the first woman to ever win a 100m backstroke gold in two consecutive Olympics, but even more notably she is the first American female athlete to win six medals in one Olympics! The only time I ever heard this mentioned was as she stood with her team after a relay and it was only mentioned in passing by the interviewer. Also, Dara Torres, a 41-yr old swimmer competed in her 5th olympics making her the only swimmer to ever compete in 5 Olympics, and did I mention she was 41?

The point I am trying to bring out here is that woman continue to be underrepresented and overlooked. There has not been one special that I have seen about Natalie or Dara. Sure, the Olympic coverage will mention there accomplishments, but typically only when they are about to race. Michael Phelps plastered every station and website. I want to know more about Natalie and Dara and I want them to get credit where credit is due. Ever since Title IX was passed many people assumed that women were beginning to get the rights they deserved. This is not the case, and many women's sports still get less funding that men's sports in high schools and colleges across the nation. 

So, in the next few weeks when you are having a conversation with someone about Michael Phelps just casually ask them if they have heard of Natalie Coughlin and her accomplishments. You may just be surprised how few people actually do. Until next time....

"We can do no great things. Only small things with great love." -Mother Teresa

Wonderful in Wisconsin

Okay, I admit it--the first time I went to Wisconsin I had my doubts, but they only lasted until I got an airplane overview of the lakes and gorgeous landscape. Last week, I made trip number three and could seriously imagine myself living there. As you can see, the people are uber friendly, and even the air feels clean.

I was there to give a talk to health care professionals about the kind of relational aggression that occurs from nurse to nurse, doctor to nurse, and yes, even doctor to doctor. The problem is so serious one article reports that as of January 2009, the Joint Commission is going to require hospitals to have policies in place to deal with it.

Who suffers most? Of course, everyone! Just as all girls feel the fallout of an ongoing word war, doctors, nurses, and patients are impacted by nastiness in the workplace. According to another report, "A 2004 study of workplace intimidation by the Institute for Safe Medication Practices (ISMP) in Horsham, Pa., found that nearly 40 percent of clinicians have kept quiet or ignored concerns about improper medication rather than talk to an intimidating colleague."

How discouraging--and all the more reason to start lobbying for change before it's forced upon us!

Uncomfortably Nice - Marmie's Girls

Have you ever had a boss who seems uncomfortably nice? Does she think you need to change? Is this a situation unique to women because of their management style?
I am a new manager working for the first time in an all-female office. For years, I have worked in the technical world and have developed a certain way of behaving toward my managers. Now for the first time, I don’t know how to behave. I am constantly getting “in trouble” because of my communication style. I think my style came out of assimilating to the male technical world, and I don’t any other way. Working in a “girly office” has been difficult for me to adapt to because I feel like I am breaking all the rules of professional conduct. It is extremely uncomfortable sometimes.

Emails are returned with excessive thank yous, and you’re welcomes, and Replies To All. Men I have worked with don’t do this. I write short, to the point emails. I am careful about my tone, but don’t hesitate to be direct. In this office, long wordy emails are the norm. When someone has surgery, we make casseroles for the person who is out. In short, we show that we care, often to the detriment of ourselves and our own families. Keeping up the effort to be so extremely nice is exhausting.

Check out the Microsoft link to email etiquette rules. Rule #2 specifically says, “Keep messages brief and to the point. Just because your writing is grammatically correct does not mean that it has to be long. Nothing is more frustrating than wading through an e-mail message that is twice as long as necessary. Concentrate on one subject per message whenever possible.” Ladies, we are not being mean by being short and to the point.

If you have ever read the book Little Women by Louisa May Alcott, my boss reminds me of the mother character, Mrs. March (aka Marmie) to her daughters. Marmie lets her daughters be themselves but doesn’t hesitate to give moral advice to her girls to help them correct their moral flaws. What seems like a friendly suggestion is really a command. At my office, compliance with the boss’s polite suggestion is necessary if you want to advance in the organization. The parallel here is that the daughters must correct their flaws in order to achieve their ultimate roles in life: mothers, wives, sisters, and citizens.

We managers in the office must work out our personal flaws in order to become better managers.

A questions that my boss asked me in the initial interview was, "how do I feel about constructive criticism?" I know it’s all in an effort to guide us to being the best work family possible. What if I don’t want to be a family at work? What if I just want to do my work and go home without having to play the role of the boss’s daughter?

The boss seems like mom and we are her daughters. When we have been bad girls, we get the cold shoulder for a short while but she’s always right back with a big smile and a hearty good morning. I am sure this is because of her moral sense of this being the right thing to do. It is nice to have forgiveness, but it is tiring and uncomfortable to not have direct confrontation about what is not going right.

Marmie too was indirect. As Wikipedia describes, she “engages in charitable works and attempts to guide her girls' morals and shape their characters, usually through experiments. She confesses to Jo after her big fight with Amy that she has a temper as bad and volatile as Jo's own, but has learned to control it to avoid hurting herself and her loved ones.”

Am I playing the unfeminine Jo role here? Will I arrive at the higher level of Marmee-type consciousness in my job? What if I like myself the way I am? I would like to just be accepted with all my "flaws."